


So alive with wild hope

by calissequecestmignon



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Porn, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:30:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calissequecestmignon/pseuds/calissequecestmignon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the Oliver POV to my other story "You're a bow and arrow (a broken guitar)". Some is the exact same, just from a different angle,  some is completely different. But the dance is the dance and the heart wants what it wants, same as always. Oliver and Connor fluff and smut and happy endings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Say hello, wave goodbye

Oliver works on his computer while Connor leans against his desk watching him. Connor is wearing three layers of clothing but still shivers. He looks completely wreaked. He looks lost. He watches quietly, not even speaking. Oliver can feel Connor looking at him and looking away but he refuses to meet his eye. Oliver is pissed at himself for letting him in the door. He refuses to play compassionate friend right now. Connor has done something wrong and should at least admit it. When Connor finally speaks it's not the apology or explanation Oliver is expecting.

"So that guy from the other night, the one with the biceps? He wasn't here last night?"

There's something in his voice, a timidity Oliver has never heard before and he realizes suddenly that Connor is ...what? jealous? Is that even possible? What right does he have to be jealous when he was the one who fucked everything up?  Oliver is NOT going to discuss any of this right now. After how Connor showed up at his door, THIS is his first topic of conversation?

 "You don't get to ask me about who I'm sleeping with." 

 But Connor won't stop.  "So you're fucking that guy?"

 Oliver flinches slightly at the word "fucking" . It's stupid really and says nothing about how people feel or don't feel about each other, it's part of the common lexicon. Even Oliver has used that word to describe what he and Connor had been doing, all in fun. But this use of it, by Connor and in reference to a third party makes everything feel sordid. Which is ridiculous since Oliver wasn't the one cheating.  But he refuses to even acknowledge that it bothers him and just repeats himself "You don't get to know anything right now". There is no way he's going to suddenly go back to Connor as a confidante, there is no way he is going to suddenly start sharing with this one who betrayed him, has been gone for weeks and who turned up at his door in the throes of a guilt-induced panic attack. Until Oliver has some sense of what is going on, he's keeping Connor literally and figuratively at arms' length.

 Without even realizing he's saying it,  Oliver says "He went back to his ex"  and looks to see what Connor makes of that. Connor looks away, his expression unreadable. Oliver feels some of the power he is trying to hold onto slipping away so he adds "But I'm not fucking you either".

 _________

They watch a movie. Or at least, a movie is on and Oliver vaguely follows the plot. He is keenly aware of Connor on the other end of the couch and even though it's a big couch, it feels small tonight. Connor didn't say a word when Oliver plopped him down on the far end. He didn't say a word besides a quiet "Thanks" when Oliver put food and water in front of him. He doesn't seem like Connor at all, he is quiet and curled up.

What the fuck am I going to do with him, Oliver thinks to himself. It's very tempting to just crawl over there and take him into his arms, tell him everything will be okay. It's very tempting to pretend their split never happened and just take what he can get. But then Oliver remembers how much it hurt to hear that recording and to realize that Connor not only had had sex with someone else FOR WORK of all things, but that he had had great sex. Somehow that made it worse, that it wasn't just some sloppy blow job in a storage room. Oliver knew exactly what Pax was talking about in that recording. He knew exactly what Connor had done because Connor had done it to Oliver and it had made him literally see stars. That's mostly why he had thrown Connor out so quickly, not just the extracurricular sex but that sense of betrayal he had felt realizing that a sex act he thought of as special was just one of Connor's little tricks. He hadn't just felt betrayed but he had felt tricked, like he had fallen for some stupid move, like a fool.

Now here was Connor back on his couch. Wounded in some way --guilt-stricken, maybe? He hadn't given much explanation, not that Oliver had asked for one. Still, look at him, thought Oliver, I can't very well just toss him back out. He doesn't look like he could fend for himself at all. The movie ends and Oliver goes into the bathroom, washes up, brushes his teeth. Should he tell  Connor he can sleep with him in the bed? The couch is nice but he's not sure how comfortable it is. But Oliver doesn't trust himself to keep his hands off Connor even though he's still pissed off with him.  In the end, he figures he can just sleep on the couch. He brings him a blanket and a pillow. "It's late", he says. "Why don't you just sleep on the couch tonight?"

 That one night turns into three nights and Oliver says nothing about Connor leaving. Sometimes he pretends to himself that he's just being altruistic, concerned about Connor's ability to look after himself but other times he acknowledges that he is enjoying Connor being here. He likes the company even though Connor is a muted version of his real self. He has a renewed sense of admiration for how hard Connor works--he leaves the house every morning before Oliver does and comes back every night after Oliver has already been home for at least an hour. He studies for hours every night,  long after Oliver has tucked himself into his bed. Sometimes Oliver wakes up after midnight to hear Connor in the kitchen, getting a drink or a snack. It's strangely comforting.

 Saturday morning, Oliver wakes up to hear Connor in the shower. This is the first day that they won't be leaving for work so Oliver wonders what the day will bring. Will Connor leave today? Does he even want him to? Oliver knows he's not dealing with this situation head on the way that he should. They should just sit down and talk about what happened, why Connor had a panic attack in the first place and why it brought him to Oliver's door. But there's other things to do today like laundry, and maybe tidying up a bit, and really, they need to get some decent food into themselves for a change which means some shopping and first there needs to be coffee. Oliver is a bit of a coffee fanatic, he cannot start the day without coffee. He heads into the kitchen to put coffee on and to pull out some frozen breakfast pastries from the freezer. Not the best nutritionally but so delicious, he tries not to eat them every morning. Now he reads the directions and pops them into the oven. He's still in nothing but boxers and his feet are freezing and he really needs to pee. Is Connor still in the shower? The water has stopped and Oliver can't wait anymore. He opens the door to the bathroom. Oh, shit. Connor is there and he quickly covers up with a towel. Oliver tries not to look, just sticks with the business that brought him. "I need to pee", he says and he does. Connor looks really uncomfortable in just that towel which is kind of weird cause hasn't Oliver already seen every part of him, every scar, every inch of his body?

 "I, ah, thought I should go back to my place this morning" Connor says.

 Oliver is washing his hands, his back to Connor. He feels a lurch in his stomach at Connor's words. Shit, no. He doesn't want Connor to leave. Maybe I should just turn around right now, take off the towel, make him want to stay, Oliver thinks,  but he knows it's not possible. He does not trust this one, not one tiny bit. No way does he want to be vulnerable to him. Still, coffee is brewing, there are pastries and Oliver knows Connor loves pastries.  He looks up into the mirror and their eyes meet briefly until Connor turns away. Oliver turns and smiles "I'm making coffee. And you may as well have some breakfast". He goes out into his room, looking around like he doesn't know how he got there. He gets dressed and then spends some time gathering up his dirty laundry.  Takes a deep breath. Talks to himself 'don't turn this into a bigger deal than it is. If he wants to go, he can go. In fact, he probably should go. It's nuts for him to be here. We aren't friends, we aren't lovers. we aren't exes, we just...fuck it, I don't know what we are'. He takes a big breath. He thinks 'I don't know what the hell I'm doing.'  He goes into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee and then pours another for Connor when he comes in. They sit down at the table and without even thinking Oliver opens his mouth and asks "Have you ever been crazy in love with someone?"

 


	2. My Oh My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we've been here before with Connor, now let's see what Oliver is thinking. because the best relationships can always surprise you.

Oliver thinks that Connor will say 'No". Connor is the kind of guy who lives for the thrill of the chase and loves the novelty of the new. Oliver can't imagine that Connor has ever fallen for anyone. So when Connor says "Uh, yeah, actually, I have", Oliver is very surprised and very curious. What guy could have captured Connor's heart? "With who?" asks Oliver. "Tell me about it".

At first he doesn't think Connor will tell him. He sits silently drawing invisible patterns on the table. Then he says  "In high school, with this guy". There's a pause. "Aiden"

 Here's a name Oliver hasn't heard before. "Was he your first?" prompts Oliver.

 Dumb question obviously because Connor laughs,  "God, no!  But before him it was all blow jobs and hand jobs, you know? Aiden was the first guy I actually, like _had sex_ with, you know, in a bed, clothes all off, all that exploring, learning and touching and , I don't know, feeling, I guess." He looks up at Oliver "Do you know what I mean?" 

 Oliver thinks about some of the guys he's been with, yes, he knows that difference between touching and feeling. It's just hard for him to separate them both but he can see that for someone like Connor, it's easy to box those things up into different categories. Until you can't.  "Yeah", he says. "I know what you mean." He can imagine this now. Connor falling in love and then as easily falling out of love, leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake. And he may sound a little bit mean when he asks "What happened?  How did it end? Did you get bored and move on to someone else?" 

 Connor bites his lip and avoids Oliver's eye. Oliver senses something --that Connor is pissed off maybe at his questions.   "No" he says. "He, um, just, um, dumped me at the end of school. At graduation. Just like that". Connor goes on in a rush of words. "I was making plans for the future.  I thought we were going to live together and go to university together and just always _be_ together but the entire time I was thinking that, he was planning to leave me. He never hesitated. For him, we were done. He was finished being in love with me and I was that cliched mess, couldn't eat or sleep, cried a lot--a lot--and my sister basically took care of me most of that summer.  Then in the fall I started university and realized there were lots of guys to have sex with. And I realized how much I loved having sex with lots of different guys. And, I don't know, after awhile, a long while really, I just got over him I suppose, like people do."

 Connor plays with the coffee cup, turning it around and around in his hands and some coffee sloshes out onto the table.  Oliver watches him. He's more than surprised. He's actually kind of shocked. This is the first time that he has gotten a sense of Connor as vulnerable to heartbreak at all. He wonders also why Connor has even consented to tell this story about himself. A story in which he is the one who is dumped, the one left behind.

Oliver asks '"Did you ever see him again?"

"Yeah, funnily enough, I did see him recently. He's getting married. To a woman. So...yeah".

 "What did he say to you?" asks Oliver. Connor sounds bitter when he answers "He acted like it never happened". Jesus, thinks Oliver, that's so cold. He feels that even though Connor may be over the break-up, this latest slap is still with him. To love and be left is one thing, to love and not even be acknowledged is a whole other level of mean.

They sit in silence for a few seconds and Connor looks at Oliver "What about you? Ever been crazy in love?".  Oliver doesn't answer at once. He is thinking back to a time when he thought he was crazy in love. They had been together for a long time, he and Josh, all through four years of university. But in the end, even though Josh loved Oliver and wanted them to make a life together, Oliver hadn't felt it. He loved Josh but something had been missing. Some indefinable thing. Some _thing_ that he had been starting to feel with Connor before everything had gone tits up for them. He could have been crazy in love with Connor by now, he knows. If only. The silence stretches and then Oliver says "No, not quite".

 


	3. Silver Lining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a tiny bit of filler. because Oliver.

It's an uneasy afternoon for Oliver. He gets some work done that he has brought home with him while Connor studies. Things seem peaceful until out of the blue, Connor starts complaining about Oliver "keeping him on a short leash". Oliver is completely annoyed when he hears that. Like he's the one making Connor stay here when they both know he is free to come and go whenever he pleases.

Just because Oliver isn't ready to fuck Connor's brains out whenever he wants, he accuses Oliver of playing hard to get. It's completely unfair. Oliver is trying to keep himself from doing something that is going to come back and hurt him later. Like he wouldn't love to be snuggled up beside Connor, kissing him on the spot that drives him nuts, spending a lazy Saturday naked in bed getting crumbs everywhere. If only he could trust Connor.

 Oliver is not going to make the same mistake twice, he needs someone who wants to be monogamous. Connor is just horny and looking for relief; whether it comes from some guy on HumpR, like they were looking at for his case, or whether it comes from Oliver, probably doesn't make much difference to him. Although Oliver is surprised when Connor says he's being celibate. Where the hell did that come from? Does he think that if he abstains, like some kind of purification process, Oliver will automatically start having sex with him again, regardless of where they stand? 

At least they are having a conversation finally. Oliver tries to be patient as he explains where he is coming from. Maybe Connor gets it, he thinks when he is done talking. Maybe he understands that he's going to have to choose between being with Oliver and fucking anyone anytime he gets the chance. Maybe he's getting what Oliver means about self control. But then Connor says, "You say you don't want to control me but you _are_ in control. I don't want to be begging you all the time, Oliver.". 

 Oliver can't believe this shit. This stupid selfish, 'give me sex because I want it' bullshit like some emotional blackmail. Obviously Connor hasn't understood a single well-chosen word Oliver has said.  Oliver gets up from the couch, completely pissed off. "I don't know what else to tell you. Except maybe stop thinking with your dick all the time". 'Asshole', he thinks as he walks off.

 


	4. We're not right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boy says mean things and have too many feels to cope with. and we meet Oliver's other friend. cause really,doesn't everyone want to be Oliver's friend?

To keep away from Connor who is back to studying, obviously unconcerned with their earlier conversation, Oliver cleans the kitchen and the bathroom.  Then he figures he better get out to the stores while it's still daytime.  He picks up the laundry he had gathered up in the morning, heading out to the building laundromat. He plans to put the laundry in then go out to pick up some real food and cook tonight.

 Connor looks up when he hears Oliver near the door.  "Oliver, do you want me to leave? Do you want to be alone this afternoon?"

 Oliver is surprised at the question. He's still annoyed but he hadn't considered Connor actually leaving. He's already planning to make one of his favourite things for dinner. He doesn't want to be sitting here tonight all alone. "No, not at all. In fact, if you want to wear some of my sweats, I can put your stuff in the laundry with mine. Then I'm going to pop out for a bit to pick up some food, we've been eating a lot of crap,  I thought I could cook for us tonight". He waits while Connor goes into the bedroom and comes out again wearing Oliver's sweatpants and t-shirt. He looks so hot and adorable that Oliver has to look away.

 It's a bit of a relief to be out on the street in the fresh cold air and if Oliver is honest, it's kind of nice knowing that Connor is home and will be home when he gets back and they will spend the evening together even if there are some awkward moments. And yes, some moments when he is pissed off at him and some moments when he isn't sure what is going on. Still, it's comforting to have someone to have dinner with. Someone to help choose a movie and even while he is having these thoughts Oliver knows they are so dangerous. He is building up a fake relationship and there is no where to go with that but right into the arms of misery. Fuck.

He is cursing himself to himself when he hears a voice beside him "Turn that frown upside down, Oliver". He looks over and sees his friend Molly, smiling at him.

"What is that serious face for, Ollie? Come tell me all about it tonight at my house--I'm making dinner for some of the gang, I know they'd love to see you".

"Sounds great, but I can't. I have a ...someone...guest" Oliver flounders, not sure what to call Connor right now.

"Are you hiding someone away at your house" teases Molly. "Do tell".

Oliver looks for an out, "So what are you making for dinner?" 

"Oh, no, no, no changing the subject. Let's go grab a quick coffee and you can tell me all about it".

"I don't think I need coffee".

"Well, now I know you're hiding something, Ollie, because you _always_ need coffee. Let's go"

Oliver lets her drag him over to the cafe. They buy coffee and sit down. Molly leans forward and says "Okay. Go".

He knows there's no getting away from her now. "It's nothing but uh, Connor is staying at my house".

"What! What the fuck, Oliver, why on earth would you take him back in after the way he treated you? Seriously, Ollie, what are you doing?" 

"I don't actually know what I'm doing", he  confesses. "He needed a place to stay and he came to me. He's been there for a few days now."

"How long is he staying?" 

"I don't know".

"You don't know? How could you not know? Is his place being fumigated? Painted? Did it burn down?" 

"It's nothing like that". 

"So what _is_ it like, Ollie? What happened that you would bring that one back into your bed?"  

"He's not in my bed, he's just staying as a friend" protests Oliver.

Molly is one of Oliver's oldest and best friends. Molly is the one that Oliver called and cried to on the phone when he had left Connor. Molly knows almost all the sordid details and she is intensely protective of Oliver. Even though she has never met Connor, she loathes him for what he did to Oliver. "For fuck's sake Oliver. He's not in your bed but I bet he's worming his way into your head and you're not going to be able to resist him, sex god that he is" she smiles at this at least."Come on, Ollie, this guy isn't someone you can mess around with. He broke your heart, Oliver. Don't give him another opportunity".

Oliver fiddles with his phone. "He's going through some tough stuff and he needs me right now".

"Oliver, you know I love you for your soft heart, but let him need someone else. You know what a sucker you are for needy boys".

"I'm being strong" Oliver laughs. "He's just staying there on the couch.  He isn't even interested in anything more. And even if he were, I'm not giving in to him".

"Not  giving in? Really, Ollie?  It's not just sex that we give in to, you know. And you know yourself, you know how close you were to being completely crazy in love with him. Guard yourself, Ollie. Please be careful".

  "I am. I am. It's nice to have someone there, though."

  "Oliver, you have a lot of friends. You know you're always welcome at our house, you don't have only two choices; to be alone or to be with someone who doesn't love you properly".

"I know, Molly. I appreciate it. I just." He takes a deep breath. "I need to let myself see where this goes. I can't stop. I just can't". "Oliver, keep this guy at arm's length until and unless he can prove himself worthy of you. Seriously. And call me if you need to talk, anytime at all. Don't let him hurt you again".

 

Oliver cooks Connor's favourite for supper--spaghetti. All through the meal, Connor chats about his classes and the stuff he has spent the afternoon reading. He is an excellent student and it's clear that he loves studying law. Oliver tells some funny stories about the other IT guys at work. When they are done, Connor clears the table and washes the dishes. It's so easy. So normal and light.  Oliver has to remind himself over and over of Molly's words--'keep this guy at arm's length'.

After supper, they watch a movie. It's an action movie but Connor is clearly getting something out of it that Oliver isn't because when Oliver looks over he can see that Connor is not bothering to hide an erection.

He jokes, "Thinking about me?"

He immediately regrets it when Connor looks straight at him and says  "Yes. Don't you ever think about me?"

 "I do" says Oliver.

"What exactly do you think?" Connor is fishing now for compliments. Oliver is seeing the devilishness that makes Connor so fucking charming and so fucking hard to resist. He's afraid now. Afraid that this is going somewhere he can't go right now. It is tempting to just reach a hand over and put it right there on Connor's thigh. This is how Connor is going to break me all over again, thinks Oliver. He is afraid and that's why he leans over close to Connor and says softly "I think about that thing you did to my ass that made my eyes water".

Connor flinches and pulls back. He looks ashamed. Oliver feels a sense of triumph that is short lived. Now I'm the asshole, he thinks to himself. Now I'm the dick. He gets up and walks to the kitchen. Connor calls after him but he doesn't dare turn around. He gets a beer out of the fridge and stands there with it in his hand. He can't stop thinking about that erection. He can't stop wanting to touch Connor in a way that leaves him gasping. He feels a wave of desire and need wash over him and then Connor is right there at the counter. Without thinking Oliver grabs him and pushes him up against the wall. His mouth is on Connor's, insistent, and  he pushes his hips tight into Connor to feel his erection rubbing up against his own. He wants the kiss to never end but then he comes to his sense and Oliver lets him go, putting his hands up. Walking away. He is angry with himself. "We shouldn't be doing this".

 

 "Oliver, I want this, I want you. Oliver, I really like you."

 

 Oliver feels like he can't breathe. Connor is saying all the things Oliver wants to believe. All the things he knows he shouldn't believe. It's what he wants. It's what he can't handle. It's everything and nothing. Oliver actually feels like his heart is hurting. "Don't you get it?  I more than like you. I wish..." He stops talking and takes a deep breath. He knows he needs to be in control of himself. Molly was right, this is not a good situation for either of them. He says "This is really tough. Maybe you should go".

 

Connor just keeps talking and his words are killing Oliver's resolve.  "Please Oliver. Please don't make me go. You're the only person I can count on right now. You're the only person I can trust".

 

You lucky fucker, thinks Oliver. He says "It feel nice, doesn't it? It feels safe having someone to trust. Now can you see why it's so hard for me when I can't trust you?"

 

They stand there watching each other and neither speaks. Oliver feels like crying and Connor looks terribly sad. Oliver knows he doesn't want Connor to leave. He's not sure what to do but he knows he does not want to watch Connor walk away. Oliver shakes himself a little and says "Okay. It's okay. Just stay". He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. He leans against door.  I can't carry on like this, he thinks to himself. I have to get my shit together.

 

 


	5. Please forgive me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we finally learn what happened when Connor ordered Oliver to "take off your clothes"

Monday morning, Connor leaves early to meet his friends before class. Oliver makes a third cup of coffee and relaxes on the couch with it. He is still trying to recover from last night. He finally got some sleep but it was fitful. He woke up a few times, twice he heard Connor also awake, when he looked into the living room, he saw him lying on the couch listening to music with headphones. He woke with a raging erection and he could not get his mind off Connor. More specifically, he could not get his mind off _sex_ with Connor.

 Before he met Connor, Oliver had had sex with many different guys and knew pretty much what there was to know about it. Or so he had thought. He realized that though he knew the mechanics of it all perfectly fine, Connor knew things about sex that Oliver could never have understood without this teacher. Oliver figured he had a healthy, _normal_ sex drive: Connor was out of range completely.

 Oliver was pliant in Connor's hands. Connor would literally move him this way and that way, ordering him, whispering to him, gently guiding or pushing hard, everything he asked for Oliver did. "I think I know what you want and need better than you know yourself"  Connor had said one time. Oliver didn't disagree. Sometimes he didn't even know what he wanted and needed until Connor showed him what was possible.

 One morning he had shown up at Oliver's door before work and as soon as Oliver opened the door to his knock, he had walked in demanding "Take off your clothes."

 "What? I have to go to work" Oliver had sputtered.

"Take off your clothes".

 Oliver had said something stupid about eating breakfast or doing the crossword. The crossword! He had been mortified as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Especially when he had used that other word: couple. Connor had advanced on him slowly, staring right at him. "Couples?" 

 Just to move quickly past his mortification he had said "Okay, I'll take off my clothes, we'll have sex, just forget about what I said."

 He looked away. Looked back, right into Connor's eyes. "Stop staring!" 

 Connor advanced on him, never once taking his eyes off him. "But watching you freak out is so much fun", he smiled one of his predatory smiles, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable Oliver was. Oliver stood helpless, Connor right there, looking at him and Oliver could not meet his eyes without blushing which was complete nonsense. He was fully clothed. In a suit. Ready for work. But Connor was looking at him with that 'I want to do things to you that you're going to love' look. 

 Oliver waited for Connor to make a move and when he did, it was so unexpected that Oliver could not explain even to himself what exactly had happened.  Connor had named each item of clothing one at a time and watched Oliver strip down at his bidding. "Take off your tie." When the tie dropped to the floor, Connor leaned in and kissed him. Then  "Take off your jacket." Each article of clothing, a kiss at a time. At one point, Oliver tried to hurry but when he reached for his belt to take off his pants before Connor told him to, Connor reached out a hand and stopped him. "Hey, now" he said with mock seriousness. "Did I say you could do that yet?" Oliver was breathing so fast with desire that he had trouble speaking. He felt exposed and slightly embarrassed but he did not want to stop. "Did I?" prompted Connor, his voice soft but demanding.

 Oliver shook his head. "I didn't hear you" said Connor and he waited until Oliver answered with a breathless "No".

 "Okay then, how about you just do what you're told, okay?"  Oliver nodded, not able to respond to that. It was so hot, so exciting, so fucking _sexy_ that Oliver had wished he were wearing more clothes that day just so Connor could make him take them off.  When Oliver finally was told to peel away his boxers, his hands were shaking, actually, his whole body was shaking with want and need. Connor leaned in to kiss him without touching him and Oliver thought he would come just from that kiss. Before he could even wonder what was next Connor had him on the floor, ass in the air, fucking him so hard he would have bruises for days afterwards from the wood floor and it had been so good. Connor had said nothing except to give him directions. Oliver felt Connor in his ass and he felt Connor's hand reach around to his penis, not stroking but pumping hard and it could have hurt or been too much but it didn't and it wasn't.  It felt so fucking good that Oliver stopped thinking and went with the intense feelings washing over him. When he came, Connor whispered into Oliver's ear "Was that better than the crossword?"

 They were covered in sweat so after a few minutes of recovery, they headed to the shower. They stopped in the kitchen for water, both completely parched and Connor looked Oliver up and down and said "Sorry, but you're going to have some bruises on your knees" he took Oliver's arm and turned it slightly "And maybe on your elbows. Something to remember me by this week". Oliver laughed "I don't think I'm going to forget this for a while".

 They stepped into the shower together which was a mistake because two minutes under the hot water they were both hard again.

  "Let's just step out for a bit so you can suck my dick" said Connor and Oliver did not hesitate. They stepped out and Oliver dropped to his knees and took Connor in his mouth but he didn't so much give him a blow job as Connor fucked Oliver's mouth until he came quick and hard.

 Connor looked at Oliver's erection pointedly. "Is there something you want, Oliver?" he teased. "Yes". "Tell me" Oliver opened his mouth but nothing came out.

 "Tell me" insisted Connor. "I'm not doing anything unless you tell me what you want".   Connor loved talking during sex and Oliver was learning to really enjoy it as well but it was sometimes a bit difficult to get the words out.

 "Suck my dick".

 "Oh, my god, Oliver. I love when you blush. It's so fucking hot" said Connor, "Okay, then. I thought you'd never ask". With his mouth and his hands he brought Oliver right to the brink...and then stopped. Then right to the brink...and then stopped. The third time Oliver knew what game he was playing and said clearly "Make me come" , his hands wrapped in Connor's hair. Connor made him come, his tongue circling the tip of his dick, stroking him and putting his thumb right at the exact place he knew would make Oliver wild. Oliver opened his eyes to see Connor laughing up at him.

  " 'Suck my dick' and 'make me come' are two different things, Ollie. You need to learn to be specific about what you want" he teased.

 Then they had to get _back_ into the shower. This time they had kept the water cool so they could get cleaned up and out the door for work. Oliver had replayed the morning over and over in his head all day while he worked and in honesty, for days afterwards. He had ended up with many bruises but didn't care and he did not need the bruises to remind him.

 Oliver came back into the present and realized he was clutching his coffee cup in one hand and his penis in the other.  He was so horny now. Every time he thought back to that morning, it was as if it had just happened. It was his favourite go-to for masturbating. It was some of, if not _the,_  best sex he had ever had with anyone, anywhere, any time in his life. He was just about to drop his pants and go for it when he heard a text come in. Was he late for work? He checked it. Oh, shit, it was his friend Owen reminding him about tonight. He has a date.

 


	6. Babylon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver goes on a date and Connor makes a confession

Oliver looks a little unsteady at the door. He nearly trips over the bag Connor has tossed down. Is he bringing his things here to the apartment? “Moving in?”

 “I picked up some clean clothes. I hope it’s okay”.

 “I guess I’ll get my t-shirt back then”. He is only joking. He would rather look at Connor in that t-shirt than ever have it back.  

 Connor goes over to see him. "Are you drunk?"

 "No. I had a couple of drinks, but no, I'm not drunk. Tired mostly". He wishes he were drunk. Or more drunk. Or less tired. It’s been a long night and he hadn’t anticipated Connor being up still. He had thought he would be able to slip into bed quietly without having to speak with him. But Connor looks wide awake.

 "Did you have a nice time with your work friends?"

 "Yeah, it was fun".

 "Was it the same friends you were out with that night  _we_ met".

 "Um, some of them, I guess. And then some..other ones..."  Oliver goes into the kitchen to get away from these awkward questions. He gets some water but Connor follows him. Oliver knows he isn’t a very good liar. He really does not want to answer questions tonight. Not when he is tired. And not drunk.

 "Oliver, were you…".

  Connor is clearly suspicious of something. Oliver ignores him. He is taking off his jacket and tie, looking in the fridge. There doesn’t seem to be any leftovers. "What did you eat?" he asks.

 "I had a sandwich".

 Oliver straightens up from the fridge door, closing it. Connor is still standing there. He takes off his glasses and starts cleaning them on his shirt tail.

  "Oliver, were you out on a date with someone?" Connor asks.

 Oliver doesn't answer. His heart has stopped. How the fuck does Connor know this?  Why can’t Oliver just tell a little white lie? It would make things easier. Instead he puts his glasses back on, gets another glass of water. When he turns back, Connor is looking at him, waiting and Oliver feels like a terrible person when he says miserably, "It was planned a long time ago. Kind of a group thing, not just the two of us. To be honest I forgot about it until my friend texted me this morning right after you left to remind me and then it was too late to get out of it without being rude. That’s why I didn’t think to give you the key and had to leave it at the neighbour’s.”

 "Sure. Yeah." Connor bites his lip. "Nice guy?"

Oliver feels like a complete shit. How on earth do people have affairs, he thinks. He can’t even go out on a non-really-a-date because he has a not-really-a-boyfriend at home.  "Yes, he seemed nice" Oliver says. "But".

 Connor seems pretty casual to Oliver except he refuses to stop asking questions. "But?"

 ‘But I’m madly in love with you so he didn’t quite cut it’, Oliver thinks but doesn’t say. Instead he keeps the tone reasonable,  "But I think I have some unresolved issues with someone else that I need to deal with before I start dating".  He looks at Connor. "Are you jealous? Because I didn't do this to try to make you jealous, I don't play games like that."

  "No." says Connor. "I mean, well, yes, no, I, you. Ah, fuck". I don't have the right to say this, I know, but I don't want you to date other people. I want you. I want you to be with me. I want to do whatever needs doing to make that happen. Fuck. I know I fucked up Oliver. I fucked up and you deserved better and I want to fix this but I’m not sure how to. Just the thought of you with someone else, I just, I really like you so much Oliver. I want to be with you and I want to be here  _for_  you. I care so much for you, I just.." 

 

 Oliver stands looking at him. He is so shocked that he says absolutely nothing. He can’t believe that these words have just come out of Connor. _His_ Connor. Oliver is so dumbfounded he cannot think of any response. Connor keeps talking, "When I came to your door that night I was having that panic attack, I'm not sure what I was thinking turning up here. I wasn't thinking clearly, I know that but I know I wanted to be with you even if it meant that you saw me at my very worst. I mean you already knew what I had done because you had heard my recording, of ",  he hesitates and then says his name "Pax. And I think maybe you thought that what I had done didn’t bother me but it did. I felt guilty, I  _was_ guilty. I felt ashamed, especially since now  _you_  knew."

He stops and looks at the floor and when he looks back up at Oliver his eyes are swimming with tears. "Oliver, I did a bad thing but I'm not a bad person and I would like us to be together. But I don't want it to be a relationship where I'm always the fuck up and you're the guy who tolerates me. I swear Oliver I’m not that guy.  I'm a grown man and I'm ready for this, I really am. But I can't do it if every time you look at me you're seeing me at my very worst, as that guy who fucked information out of someone and watched him die. I can be a person you want to be with, Oliver I promise. And I'm just going to put this out there because I don't know what you’re thinking lately since you barely even speak to me but I more than like you.  I am falling in love with you and if you aren't going to go there with me please tell me now because it's not going to be easy for me to crawl back from that edge".

 There is silence in the room when Connor stops talking. They look at each other and Oliver feels like Connor is seeing straight through him to see the person he is all the way inside. There is so much he wants to say in response to Connor. He wants to reassure him, to tell him that he knows, he _knows_ what a wonderful person he is capable of being. He wants to talk about what happened with Pax and with his work and he wants to tell him that everything is going to be better than okay from now on. He wants to say that seeing Connor at his worst and at his best is what makes him special in the first place, that Oliver has never thought of him as a 'fuck-up' and never felt he had to 'tolerate' him, he wants to say Connor is already the person Oliver wants to be with. But he can’t get all the words out so he focuses on the most important ones for right now. Important and true because Oliver knows he has fallen desperately in love with Connor

  "I'm not going there with you.” Oliver says. “I'm already there."


	7. Sail Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Oliver and lots of sex

And suddenly they are together, mouth on mouth, hands frantically grabbing, touching, caressing. No sound but the heavy breathing of both of them.

Connor pulls back. "Wait, wait, wait" he says. Oliver smiles at him "No waiting" he says and pulls him closer. But Connor steps away again.

"Look, are you sure?" he asks Oliver. "Are you certain? This isn't going to be just a drunken one-time thing and then we're back in the shit, is it? Cause if it is.." he stops, looking expectantly at Oliver.

Oliver takes him in with eager eyes, hair messed up and a slight flush on his face, drops his own eyes down to see Connor's penis straining his pants. "I’m not drunk. I'm sure" he says. "I'm really sure." It’s true. He feels so sure of this. He is completely certain that this is what he wants. He looks at Connor and he knows that this time it’s going to be okay. He knows that he can trust Connor. He knows it for sure.

Connor smiles at him. "Then can we just slow this down a bit, take our time, savour the moment so to speak?" He takes Oliver's hand and leads him over to the bed where they both lie down, face to face. It’s cozy there snuggled together. Oliver feels a sense of relief wash over him when Connor kisses his. They kiss slowly, like they have all the time in the world, which they suddenly do. Connor starts to unbutton Oliver’s shirt one. button. at. a. time. He peels it off him and then pulls off his own shirt. Oliver reaches for him but he pulls away and kisses and licks his way down Oliver’s naked body stopping to lick, suck and nibble Oliver's nipples which drives Oliver crazy.

He undoes Oliver's belt and slides down the zipper of his pant. Shifting his own weight, he pulls his own pants off, then his boxers. He's completely naked now, but Oliver is not. Connor slips one finger into the waistband of Oliver's boxers and gently tugs. Oliver's penis comes peeking out and Connor caresses the tip. He finishes peeling Oliver and using his hand he strokes Oliver's rock hard penis, tiptoes his fingers over his balls, slides a hand under his ass. Oliver is moaning now and starting to rock back and forth against Connor's hand but he pulls his hand away. He takes Oliver’s eager hands off his own penis with a groan. "Not yet" he says softly. "Not yet, there's something I want".

"Tell me what you want" Oliver demands. "Tell me what you want and I'll do it". He has no idea what Connor wants but he has no doubt that he will do it for him tonight. He wants Connor so badly, he wants to crawl inside his skin and bury himself in him. All he can think about is that—the wanting, the need, the desire.

Connor stretches the full length of Oliver so they are toe to toe, head to head kissing again so slowly it is like they are underwater. Oliver asks again "What do you want? Tell me." Connor says, "I want you on top, I want you inside me, I want you to fuck me slowly slowly".

Oliver is surprised. Except for that time Connor showed up with the take-out and Oliver had insisted otherwise, he has been the top to Oliver's bottom. Hearing Connor say that has made him even more turned on, something he would not have thought possible. Connor is right, talking about doing it makes doing it even better. Why is that? Anticipation. Knowing what’s coming is part of the pleasure sometimes.

"Are you sure? I know what you're like." Oliver wants to do it, but he doesn’t want Connor to feel like he has to make concessions. He wants him to be sure.

Oliver kisses him and Connor says,  "Oh, come on, you know I'm versatile that way."

"Tell me again" whispers Oliver.

Connor plays along. "Fuck me. Please."

"Oh, I can do that" Oliver says, his mouth right against Connor's ear "I can do that to you".

Oliver takes his time. He kisses Connor's neck sucking little bites onto him. He gently bites each nipple and lazily circles his belly button with a wet tongue. He slowly drags one hand up the inside of Connor's thigh then back down the other one, barely stroking his aching penis. Now Connor is the one trying to push against Oliver, trying to hurry up the pace, he reaches out and pulls Oliver closer but Oliver grabs both his hands and pulls his arms up over his head, holding him down. "Stay still" he orders.

Connor shakes with the effort of staying still. Oliver's hands move to his ass, his fingers in his ass--one, then two and Connor's whole body trembles. Then the condom is on and he pushes in, past the first slight resistance until he is all the way in.  He hears Connor moaning when Oliver covers his mouth with his own he both hears it and feels it. Oliver fucks him slowly. He fucks him the way that Connor has taught him to.  He slips nearly all the way out and all the way in again and again. Oliver rocks hard against him, his weight holding Connor in place. Connor tries to move his hips, tries to increase the pace but he can't get any purchase and Oliver holds him down and he tells him again "stay still" but he is laughing when he says it because he knows that Connor cannot possibly stay still.

"I can't" says Connor and Oliver says "you can" and kisses his mouth and Connor moans again arching up to meet Oliver's thrusts.

Their bodies are so hot and so covered in sweat, the heat rises off them in a wave. Oliver looks down at Connor, eyes closed in complete ecstasy. He wants to look at him, he wants to watch Connor while he fucks him.  He whispers to him "Connor. Open your eyes, look at me. Watch me fuck you." Connor opens his eyes obediently and he looks right at Oliver with so much want and need and desire and nakedness Oliver knows he can’t keep going. Oliver picks up his pace with short, fast thrusts and he says "Connor, watch me come" and looks right at him until he has to close  his own eyes when his orgasm rockets through him. He collapses onto Connor and breathes in shakily. Then he reaches down and strokes Connor's penis and in two strokes Connor comes too, wild and bucking against Oliver and calling out Oliver's name.

They lie tangled together, letting the sweat cool, letting their breathing slow. They smell like sweat and sex and each other. Oliver has so much he wants to say but he knows that they will have time. They have tomorrow, and all the other tomorrows. They drift off contentedly toward sleep. Just before Oliver drops off to sleep he hears Connor say. “So maybe tomorrow you could clear out a drawer for me?”

Oliver laughs and pulls Connor closer, right into him so they are chest to chest, hip to hip, mouth to mouth. “Really?" he says, kissing that mouth. " You want a drawer?”

“No, it’s fine, if you don’t have space”

Oliver is so happy and content, so wildly in love with Connor. “Let’s not kid around, Connor. You hate your apartment. I think we should just bring all your stuff over here. You can have your own drawers. Okay?”

“Okay. Yes. Very okay”.

Oliver listens to the sounds of Connor breathing as he falls asleep. And then he lets himself go to sleep too.

 


End file.
